Most people look outside of themselves as the cause of their unhappiness or frustration. After all, wouldn't life be practically perfect if the significant people in our lives would simply do things the way we want them to or do what we think is best for them? Actually, this is the kind of thinking that perpetuates the misery!
I agree that most of today's unhappiness centers on important people in our lives not cooperating with us. Can anyone relate to that? Have you ever had a child who makes a decision that puts them in serious danger? Have you ever had a significant other decide to relocate or make an employment decision with which you were not in agreement? Did one of your parents ever say something critical to you that rocked your confidence? Ever had a supervisor who micromanaged your work and never gave credit for your good work performance? I think you get the idea. Any one or combination of these things can be a source of unhappiness for us and I'm sure you can add several others to the list.
While we are in situations such as these, it sure feels like if the others in our life would just cooperate and be the way we want them to be, and then our lives would be so much better, happier and more fulfilling. While this may, in fact, be true, what I also believe is this. While we are busy trying to get those significant others in our lives to do things our way, the behaviors we typically engage in to move others in our desired direction are exactly those behaviors that damage, and ultimately destroy, our relationships.
You know the behaviors I'm talking about: punishing, guilting, complaining, nagging, threatening, criticizing, "the silent treatment", and if we are particularly savvy, rewarding to control, otherwise known as bribing.
If you are one of those people whose first choice of action is to negotiate and open the doors of communication, then you are rare. Ask yourself what do you typically resort to when negotiations fail?
I know one of my more polished behaviors is nagging. I am a world class nag---just ask my children. You know the drill. "How about cleaning up your room today?" Thirty minutes later, after the child is still in front of his video game, "Are you going to get to that room today?" Maybe two hours later, several decibels louder, "What about that ROOM?" Then, as a last frustration, it's "Will you get off your lazy a*# and clean your blankety blank blank room!!!!" Ever been there? Did it work to get the room cleaned? In my case, it usually didn't.
However, I've have had some parents tell me that repeated nagging does work but then my next question usually has a different answer---At what cost? What was the cost of getting that room cleaned? First, there was the cost of you losing control and being a person you probably don't want to be and secondly, there was a definite cost to the relationship between you and your child. Do you believe that after an exchange such as that one, the two of you will be ready and willing to have a meaningful discussion about life or anything else about which you may like to talk? Probably not.
What I am about to say probably goes against what you have believed the good majority of your life and that is that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own happiness. If you are waiting for someone to do something differently or for a particular thing to manifest itself in your life in order for you to be happy, then you are operating from the outside in instead of the inside out.
I am not here to tell you to stop what you are currently doing. If you want to hold on to your beliefs that when your husband becomes more affectionate, your children more obedient, your wife more supportive, your boss more appreciative or you to get your education, pay off your credit cards, buy your first home, etc. in order for you to be happy, then go ahead. But for those of us who want to practice inside out thinking, we don't like to give the power to others to control our happiness or any of our other moods or emotions. We know that we are responsible for ourselves and no one else.
What I can help you with is learning how to be the person you want to be, feel the emotions you want to feel by changing what you do and how you think about things. There is a quote I want to leave you with from Jimmy Dean. "You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails." This is representative of true inside out thinking. People and events are going to be what they are around us. There is very little we can do to impact other people's behavior and the uncontrollable events in our lives but there is always something each of us can do to manage those things better.
Jumat, 18 Maret 2011
Guilt, Resentment, and Our Struggles
Why Do I Feel Guilty?
Before we can start to understand the why behind the guilt, let's first define it. Guilt means that we believe that something we are doing is causing pain to someone else. It's activated by our behavior, thoughts, or feelings that we judge to be wrong or bad.
Normal parents are protective of their children. But what if your parents were overprotective? What if every time you played sports, rode your bike, or roughhoused with friends, your parent-at best-became disturbed and-at worst-frantic? "Watch out, you'll get hurt!" "You'll break a leg!" and so on. Would you have interpreted that as interest in your well being, or rather, believed that you were hurting your parents by your sense of adventure and fun? Children who think that their actions are causing pain for their parents will feel guilt.
Let me be clear. I'm not talking about a parent's normal range of caution and concern. I am talking about extreme caution and worry over small risks. But if you grew up always experiencing irrational guilt about worrying an overprotective parent, you'll also experience guilt in response to risks as an adult. You'll feel frustrated by your excessive sense of caution, but most likely you won't be aware of its cause, and so you'll be unable to change.
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
1. You feel responsible for your parents' or siblings' misery, and guilty about pursuing your own goals. How you tried placating them, or atoning, in order to relieve your sense of guilt will explain some of your self-defeating life patterns.
2. You quietly developed self-hatred and resentment about having to inhibit a normal behavior or goal when your parent continuously behaved badly toward you. How did you respond to the resentment you felt?
3. You rebelled as a way of protesting. You hoped that they'd get the message you were sending by your behavior and change for the better (that is, you became stubborn to protest against a parent who was too controlling in the hopes that he or she would get the message and be less controlling). Or, you rebelled to prove to yourself that you're your own person and you can't be manipulated. This type of defiant rebelliousness is responsible for many painful self-defeating behaviors.
4. Even though you promised yourself that when you grew up you'd never behave the way your parents did with you, you notice that you're mimicking their worst qualities.
I want you to know why it's so hard to free ourselves of the behaviors we hate no matter how hard we try, no matter how much willpower we exert, no matter how much advice we receive from others. To understand why it is so hard, we'll delve into why our childhood patterns continue on into our adult lives even though they are clearly negative patterns and we no longer are living with our parents. The negative effects of our family experiences remain hidden from our conscious mind, even though this information is critical to changing what we most dislike about ourselves. We'll pin down this elusive awareness in this book and you'll begin to make positive changes in your negative behaviors. Finally and amazingly, many people you'll meet will tell you that they didn't experience major problems in their families and they aren't aware of any guilt feelings. And they'll tell you this despite obvious, and serious, personal problems. Why? Let's see.
Exercise: Now Look at Yourself
Imagine that you could be reborn into your family today. Now imagine that you were born into your family with all the knowledge that you possess right now. Consider writing about the following:
• What would be different for you in your relationship with your mother?
• What would be different for you in your relationship with your father?
• What would be different for you in your relationship with your siblings?
Moving Ahead
Beginning the process of change means beginning a hunt for the causes of your problems that are lurking below the surface of any problem. In the next article, "Do You Think You're in Control of Your Life?" we'll start the hunt for your underlying causes.
Before we can start to understand the why behind the guilt, let's first define it. Guilt means that we believe that something we are doing is causing pain to someone else. It's activated by our behavior, thoughts, or feelings that we judge to be wrong or bad.
Normal parents are protective of their children. But what if your parents were overprotective? What if every time you played sports, rode your bike, or roughhoused with friends, your parent-at best-became disturbed and-at worst-frantic? "Watch out, you'll get hurt!" "You'll break a leg!" and so on. Would you have interpreted that as interest in your well being, or rather, believed that you were hurting your parents by your sense of adventure and fun? Children who think that their actions are causing pain for their parents will feel guilt.
Let me be clear. I'm not talking about a parent's normal range of caution and concern. I am talking about extreme caution and worry over small risks. But if you grew up always experiencing irrational guilt about worrying an overprotective parent, you'll also experience guilt in response to risks as an adult. You'll feel frustrated by your excessive sense of caution, but most likely you won't be aware of its cause, and so you'll be unable to change.
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
1. You feel responsible for your parents' or siblings' misery, and guilty about pursuing your own goals. How you tried placating them, or atoning, in order to relieve your sense of guilt will explain some of your self-defeating life patterns.
2. You quietly developed self-hatred and resentment about having to inhibit a normal behavior or goal when your parent continuously behaved badly toward you. How did you respond to the resentment you felt?
3. You rebelled as a way of protesting. You hoped that they'd get the message you were sending by your behavior and change for the better (that is, you became stubborn to protest against a parent who was too controlling in the hopes that he or she would get the message and be less controlling). Or, you rebelled to prove to yourself that you're your own person and you can't be manipulated. This type of defiant rebelliousness is responsible for many painful self-defeating behaviors.
4. Even though you promised yourself that when you grew up you'd never behave the way your parents did with you, you notice that you're mimicking their worst qualities.
I want you to know why it's so hard to free ourselves of the behaviors we hate no matter how hard we try, no matter how much willpower we exert, no matter how much advice we receive from others. To understand why it is so hard, we'll delve into why our childhood patterns continue on into our adult lives even though they are clearly negative patterns and we no longer are living with our parents. The negative effects of our family experiences remain hidden from our conscious mind, even though this information is critical to changing what we most dislike about ourselves. We'll pin down this elusive awareness in this book and you'll begin to make positive changes in your negative behaviors. Finally and amazingly, many people you'll meet will tell you that they didn't experience major problems in their families and they aren't aware of any guilt feelings. And they'll tell you this despite obvious, and serious, personal problems. Why? Let's see.
Exercise: Now Look at Yourself
Imagine that you could be reborn into your family today. Now imagine that you were born into your family with all the knowledge that you possess right now. Consider writing about the following:
• What would be different for you in your relationship with your mother?
• What would be different for you in your relationship with your father?
• What would be different for you in your relationship with your siblings?
Moving Ahead
Beginning the process of change means beginning a hunt for the causes of your problems that are lurking below the surface of any problem. In the next article, "Do You Think You're in Control of Your Life?" we'll start the hunt for your underlying causes.
Do Not Get Above Your Business
Young men after they get through their business training, or apprenticeship, instead of pursuing their avocation and rising in their business, will often lie about doing nothing. They say; "I have learned my business, but I am not going to be a hireling; what is the object of learning my trade or profession, unless I establish myself?'"
"Have you capital to start with?"
"No, but I am going to have it."
"How are you going to get it?"
"I will tell you confidentially; I have a wealthy old aunt, and she will die pretty soon; but if she does not, I expect to find some rich old man who will lend me a few thousands to give me a start. If I only get the money to start with I will do well."
There is no greater mistake than when a young man believes he will succeed with borrowed money. Why? Because every man's experience coincides with that of Mr. Astor, who said, "it was more difficult for him to accumulate his first thousand dollars, than all the succeeding millions that made up his colossal fortune." Money is good for nothing unless you know the value of it by experience. Give a boy twenty thousand dollars and put him in business, and the chances are that he will lose every dollar of it before he is a year older. Like buying a ticket in the lottery; and drawing a prize, it is "easy come, easy go."
He does not know the value of it; nothing is worth anything, unless it costs effort. Without self-denial and economy; patience and perseverance, and commencing with capital which you have not earned, you are not sure to succeed in accumulating. Young men, instead of "waiting for dead men's shoes," should be up and doing, for there is no class of persons who are so unaccommodating in regard to dying as these rich old people, and it is fortunate for the expectant heirs that it is so.
Nine out of ten of the rich men of our country to-day, started out in life as poor boys, with determined wills, industry, perseverance, economy and good habits. They went on gradually, made their own money and saved it; and this is the best way to acquire a fortune. Stephen Girard started life as a poor cabin boy, and died worth nine million dollars. A.T.
Stewart was a poor Irish boy; and he paid taxes on a million and a half dollars of income, per year. John Jacob Astor was a poor farmer boy, and died worth twenty millions. Cornelius Vanderbilt began life rowing a boat from Staten Island to New York; he presented our government with a steamship worth a million of dollars, and died worth fifty million.
"There is no royal road to learning," says the proverb, and I may say it is equally true, "there is no royal road to wealth." But I think there is a royal road to both. The road to learning is a royal one; the road that enables the student to expand his intellect and add every day to his stock of knowledge, until, in the pleasant process of intellectual growth, he is able to solve the most profound problems, to count the stars, to analyze every atom of the globe, and to measure the firmament this is a regal highway, and it is the only road worth traveling.
So in regard to wealth. Go on in confidence, study the rules, and above all things, study human nature; for "the proper study of mankind is man," and you will find that while expanding the intellect and the muscles, your enlarged experience will enable you every day to accumulate more and more principal, which will increase itself by interest and otherwise, until you arrive at a state of independence. You will find, as a general thing, that the poor boys get rich and the rich boys get poor. For instance, a rich man at his decease, leaves a large estate to his family. His eldest sons, who have helped him earn his
fortune, know by experience the value of money; and they take their inheritance and add to it. The separate portions of the young children are placed at interest, and the little fellows are patted on the head, and told a dozen times a day, "you are rich; you will never have to work, you can always have whatever you wish, for you were born with a golden spoon in your mouth."
The young heir soon finds out what that means; he has the finest dresses and playthings; he is crammed with sugar candies and almost "killed with kindness," and he passes from school to school, petted and flattered. He becomes arrogant and self-conceited, abuses his teachers, and carries everything with a high hand. He knows nothing of the real value of money, having never earned any; but he knows all about the "golden spoon" business.
At college, he invites his poor fellow-students to his room, where he "wines and dines" them. He is cajoled and caressed, and called a glorious good follow, because he is so lavish of his money. He gives his game suppers, drives his fast horses, invites his chums to fetes and parties, determined to
have lots of "good times." He spends the night in frolics and debauchery, and leads off his companions with the familiar song, "we won't go home till morning." He gets them to join him in pulling down signs, taking gates from their hinges and throwing them into back yards and horse-ponds. If the police arrest them, he knocks them down, is taken to the lockup, and joyfully foots the bills.
"Ah! my boys," he cries, "what is the use of being rich, if you can't enjoy yourself?"
He might more truly say, "if you can't make a fool of yourself;" but he is "fast," hates slow things, and doesn't "see it." Young men loaded down with other people's money are almost sure to lose all they inherit, and they acquire all sorts of bad habits which, in the majority of cases, ruin them in health, purse and character. In this country, one generation follows another, and the poor of to-day are rich in the next generation, or the third. Their experience leads them on, and they become rich, and they leave vast riches to their young children. These children, having been reared in luxury, are inexperienced and get poor; and after long experience another generation comes on and gathers up riches again in turn. And thus "history repeats itself," and happy is he who by listening to the experience of others avoids the rocks and shoals on which so many have been wrecked.
"In England, the business makes the man." If a man in that country is a mechanic or working-man, he is not recognized as a gentleman. On the occasion of my first appearance before Queen Victoria, the Duke of Wellington asked me what sphere in life General Tom Thumb's parents were in.
"His father is a carpenter," I replied.
"Oh! I had heard he was a gentleman," was the response of His Grace.
In this Republican country, the man makes the business. No matter whether he is a blacksmith, a shoemaker, a farmer, banker or lawyer, so long as his business is legitimate, he may be a gentleman. So any "legitimate" business is a double blessing it helps the man engaged in it, and also helps others. The Farmer supports his own family, but he also benefits the merchant or mechanic who needs the products of his farm. The tailor not only makes a living by his trade, but he also benefits the farmer, the clergyman and others who cannot make their own clothing. But all these classes often may be gentlemen.
The great ambition should be to excel all others engaged in the same occupation.
The college-student who was about graduating, said to an old lawyer:
"I have not yet decided which profession I will follow. Is your profession full?"
"The basement is much crowded, but there is plenty of room up-stairs," was the witty and truthful reply.
No profession, trade, or calling, is overcrowded in the upper story. Wherever you find the most honest and intelligent merchant or banker, or the best lawyer, the best doctor, the best clergyman, the best shoemaker, carpenter, or anything else, that man is most sought for, and has always enough to do. As a nation, Americans are too superficial-- they are striving to get rich quickly, and do not generally do their business as substantially and thoroughly as they should, but whoever excels all others in his own line, if his habits are good and his integrity undoubted, cannot fail to secure abundant patronage, and the wealth that naturally follows. Let your motto then always be "Excelsior," for by living up to it there is no such word as fail.
"Have you capital to start with?"
"No, but I am going to have it."
"How are you going to get it?"
"I will tell you confidentially; I have a wealthy old aunt, and she will die pretty soon; but if she does not, I expect to find some rich old man who will lend me a few thousands to give me a start. If I only get the money to start with I will do well."
There is no greater mistake than when a young man believes he will succeed with borrowed money. Why? Because every man's experience coincides with that of Mr. Astor, who said, "it was more difficult for him to accumulate his first thousand dollars, than all the succeeding millions that made up his colossal fortune." Money is good for nothing unless you know the value of it by experience. Give a boy twenty thousand dollars and put him in business, and the chances are that he will lose every dollar of it before he is a year older. Like buying a ticket in the lottery; and drawing a prize, it is "easy come, easy go."
He does not know the value of it; nothing is worth anything, unless it costs effort. Without self-denial and economy; patience and perseverance, and commencing with capital which you have not earned, you are not sure to succeed in accumulating. Young men, instead of "waiting for dead men's shoes," should be up and doing, for there is no class of persons who are so unaccommodating in regard to dying as these rich old people, and it is fortunate for the expectant heirs that it is so.
Nine out of ten of the rich men of our country to-day, started out in life as poor boys, with determined wills, industry, perseverance, economy and good habits. They went on gradually, made their own money and saved it; and this is the best way to acquire a fortune. Stephen Girard started life as a poor cabin boy, and died worth nine million dollars. A.T.
Stewart was a poor Irish boy; and he paid taxes on a million and a half dollars of income, per year. John Jacob Astor was a poor farmer boy, and died worth twenty millions. Cornelius Vanderbilt began life rowing a boat from Staten Island to New York; he presented our government with a steamship worth a million of dollars, and died worth fifty million.
"There is no royal road to learning," says the proverb, and I may say it is equally true, "there is no royal road to wealth." But I think there is a royal road to both. The road to learning is a royal one; the road that enables the student to expand his intellect and add every day to his stock of knowledge, until, in the pleasant process of intellectual growth, he is able to solve the most profound problems, to count the stars, to analyze every atom of the globe, and to measure the firmament this is a regal highway, and it is the only road worth traveling.
So in regard to wealth. Go on in confidence, study the rules, and above all things, study human nature; for "the proper study of mankind is man," and you will find that while expanding the intellect and the muscles, your enlarged experience will enable you every day to accumulate more and more principal, which will increase itself by interest and otherwise, until you arrive at a state of independence. You will find, as a general thing, that the poor boys get rich and the rich boys get poor. For instance, a rich man at his decease, leaves a large estate to his family. His eldest sons, who have helped him earn his
fortune, know by experience the value of money; and they take their inheritance and add to it. The separate portions of the young children are placed at interest, and the little fellows are patted on the head, and told a dozen times a day, "you are rich; you will never have to work, you can always have whatever you wish, for you were born with a golden spoon in your mouth."
The young heir soon finds out what that means; he has the finest dresses and playthings; he is crammed with sugar candies and almost "killed with kindness," and he passes from school to school, petted and flattered. He becomes arrogant and self-conceited, abuses his teachers, and carries everything with a high hand. He knows nothing of the real value of money, having never earned any; but he knows all about the "golden spoon" business.
At college, he invites his poor fellow-students to his room, where he "wines and dines" them. He is cajoled and caressed, and called a glorious good follow, because he is so lavish of his money. He gives his game suppers, drives his fast horses, invites his chums to fetes and parties, determined to
have lots of "good times." He spends the night in frolics and debauchery, and leads off his companions with the familiar song, "we won't go home till morning." He gets them to join him in pulling down signs, taking gates from their hinges and throwing them into back yards and horse-ponds. If the police arrest them, he knocks them down, is taken to the lockup, and joyfully foots the bills.
"Ah! my boys," he cries, "what is the use of being rich, if you can't enjoy yourself?"
He might more truly say, "if you can't make a fool of yourself;" but he is "fast," hates slow things, and doesn't "see it." Young men loaded down with other people's money are almost sure to lose all they inherit, and they acquire all sorts of bad habits which, in the majority of cases, ruin them in health, purse and character. In this country, one generation follows another, and the poor of to-day are rich in the next generation, or the third. Their experience leads them on, and they become rich, and they leave vast riches to their young children. These children, having been reared in luxury, are inexperienced and get poor; and after long experience another generation comes on and gathers up riches again in turn. And thus "history repeats itself," and happy is he who by listening to the experience of others avoids the rocks and shoals on which so many have been wrecked.
"In England, the business makes the man." If a man in that country is a mechanic or working-man, he is not recognized as a gentleman. On the occasion of my first appearance before Queen Victoria, the Duke of Wellington asked me what sphere in life General Tom Thumb's parents were in.
"His father is a carpenter," I replied.
"Oh! I had heard he was a gentleman," was the response of His Grace.
In this Republican country, the man makes the business. No matter whether he is a blacksmith, a shoemaker, a farmer, banker or lawyer, so long as his business is legitimate, he may be a gentleman. So any "legitimate" business is a double blessing it helps the man engaged in it, and also helps others. The Farmer supports his own family, but he also benefits the merchant or mechanic who needs the products of his farm. The tailor not only makes a living by his trade, but he also benefits the farmer, the clergyman and others who cannot make their own clothing. But all these classes often may be gentlemen.
The great ambition should be to excel all others engaged in the same occupation.
The college-student who was about graduating, said to an old lawyer:
"I have not yet decided which profession I will follow. Is your profession full?"
"The basement is much crowded, but there is plenty of room up-stairs," was the witty and truthful reply.
No profession, trade, or calling, is overcrowded in the upper story. Wherever you find the most honest and intelligent merchant or banker, or the best lawyer, the best doctor, the best clergyman, the best shoemaker, carpenter, or anything else, that man is most sought for, and has always enough to do. As a nation, Americans are too superficial-- they are striving to get rich quickly, and do not generally do their business as substantially and thoroughly as they should, but whoever excels all others in his own line, if his habits are good and his integrity undoubted, cannot fail to secure abundant patronage, and the wealth that naturally follows. Let your motto then always be "Excelsior," for by living up to it there is no such word as fail.
Building An Awesome Audience For Your Book
"The Book Sistah"
I got lucky. The month that I sold my novel was the same month that I started my newsletter, Living the Dream, for my coaching business. I had no idea that as my list of subscribers grew I would have a great platform from which to launch the book 18 months later. Thanks to that list, I was pre-selling my book long before it hit store shelves.
I was cultivating an audience without realizing it. But now I know that having a list is a goldmine, both for selling your book and for getting your book noticed by a publisher. These days if you can prove that you come to the table with a huge audience, a big advance may follow. But how do you get such a list? These tips will help you go from seed to harvest as you grow your group.
1. Start with who you know.
Most of us have some form of list already, either in your email system's address book or your basic holiday card list that you use once a year. It may be as small as 10-25 or as big as 200-400. Start out by sending a general email letting the people on your list know that you're getting organized and planning to send out regular notes, newsletters, whatever you plan to send. Give them the opportunity to opt out if they're not interested. Most will probably stay on since your family and friends are interested in hearing about what you're up to.
2. Whenever you meet new people, get permission to add them to your list.
At this point in your writing career, it's essential that you're out meeting people at least once a month. You can go to networking events, take classes or (and this is the best) do speaking engagements. Non-fiction authors especially should be speaking regularly because you want to establish your expertise in your topic or topics. You can collect business cards when you network or take classes and get people to sign in with their contact information at your event. Make sure you GET PERMISSION and let people know they will be hearing from you via newsletter, etc. It is truly poor form to put people on your mailing list without their knowledge. It's also called spamming!
I know that signing people up is key because I've observed popular authors doing just that. I once attended a reading by E. Lynn Harris because I knew he had a huge--and faithful-- readership and I wanted to glean some clues as to how he did it. Sure enough, the room was packed and every single person behaved as though they knew him personally. When it came time to sign books, he made an announcement: he would sign your book if you signed his! He made it clear you would be hearing from him via email, birthday and holiday cards. People were all too happy to sign the list. Brilliant!
You'll quickly learn, as your list grows, that your email account may not allow you to send mass messages to groups larger than 50-80. Also, it's not a good idea to only have your list on your computer, you'll want it backed up elsewhere. The solution: sign on for a list service. You'll have your database expertly maintained, plus most list services will give you templates and allow you to send out really good looking HTML email messages to your list. You can also get code and links that allow people to sign themselves onto your list from your website. There are many you can try. I use both Constant Contact (http://www.constantcontact.com) and 1 Shopping Cart (http://www.1shoppingcart.com). If you're not selling products or services, you may not need a shopping cart so Constant Contact may be just the thing for you.
4. Communicate to your list regularly.
You want to keep in touch with the people on your list so they don't forget about you. The way you do it is up to you. As I said above, E. Lynn Harris sends notes and cards to his list. A colleague of mine sends daily inspirational quotes. I'm a big fan of email newsletters because you can provide news on your activities and useful content for your readers. When you provide content, such as tips for real estate investors, marketing ideas, or even cookbook recipes, you are establishing your expertise. You're also giving people a good reason to stay on your list--they're getting good stuff out of it. In the past I have offered discounts on my services, gift certificates for people to give out over the holidays and articles with career counseling and goal-achieving tips. And every issue of Living the Dream also features my book and the stellar reviews it's received. You can see past issues by going to http://www.creativecoachingplans.com/newsletter.html.
5. Generate excitement and anticipation with your list.
When your book is nearing publication, you'll want to start letting your audience know that it's coming. You can generate pre-sale orders, alert your list of book reviews as they come out and let your audience know where you'll be appearing when you start speaking and doing book signings. My book was first listed on Amazon.com about six months before its publication date. I sent out a "special announcement" letting people know it was there and encouraging them to pre-order the book. On that glorious day my book ranked as high as 3,000 on Amazon's list! I may not be J.K. Rowling, but I think that's pretty good. Plus, that's the kind of information that helps distributors sell your book to bookstores. They know you already have an awesome audience just waiting to buy!
I got lucky. The month that I sold my novel was the same month that I started my newsletter, Living the Dream, for my coaching business. I had no idea that as my list of subscribers grew I would have a great platform from which to launch the book 18 months later. Thanks to that list, I was pre-selling my book long before it hit store shelves.
I was cultivating an audience without realizing it. But now I know that having a list is a goldmine, both for selling your book and for getting your book noticed by a publisher. These days if you can prove that you come to the table with a huge audience, a big advance may follow. But how do you get such a list? These tips will help you go from seed to harvest as you grow your group.
1. Start with who you know.
Most of us have some form of list already, either in your email system's address book or your basic holiday card list that you use once a year. It may be as small as 10-25 or as big as 200-400. Start out by sending a general email letting the people on your list know that you're getting organized and planning to send out regular notes, newsletters, whatever you plan to send. Give them the opportunity to opt out if they're not interested. Most will probably stay on since your family and friends are interested in hearing about what you're up to.
2. Whenever you meet new people, get permission to add them to your list.
At this point in your writing career, it's essential that you're out meeting people at least once a month. You can go to networking events, take classes or (and this is the best) do speaking engagements. Non-fiction authors especially should be speaking regularly because you want to establish your expertise in your topic or topics. You can collect business cards when you network or take classes and get people to sign in with their contact information at your event. Make sure you GET PERMISSION and let people know they will be hearing from you via newsletter, etc. It is truly poor form to put people on your mailing list without their knowledge. It's also called spamming!
I know that signing people up is key because I've observed popular authors doing just that. I once attended a reading by E. Lynn Harris because I knew he had a huge--and faithful-- readership and I wanted to glean some clues as to how he did it. Sure enough, the room was packed and every single person behaved as though they knew him personally. When it came time to sign books, he made an announcement: he would sign your book if you signed his! He made it clear you would be hearing from him via email, birthday and holiday cards. People were all too happy to sign the list. Brilliant!
You'll quickly learn, as your list grows, that your email account may not allow you to send mass messages to groups larger than 50-80. Also, it's not a good idea to only have your list on your computer, you'll want it backed up elsewhere. The solution: sign on for a list service. You'll have your database expertly maintained, plus most list services will give you templates and allow you to send out really good looking HTML email messages to your list. You can also get code and links that allow people to sign themselves onto your list from your website. There are many you can try. I use both Constant Contact (http://www.constantcontact.com) and 1 Shopping Cart (http://www.1shoppingcart.com). If you're not selling products or services, you may not need a shopping cart so Constant Contact may be just the thing for you.
4. Communicate to your list regularly.
You want to keep in touch with the people on your list so they don't forget about you. The way you do it is up to you. As I said above, E. Lynn Harris sends notes and cards to his list. A colleague of mine sends daily inspirational quotes. I'm a big fan of email newsletters because you can provide news on your activities and useful content for your readers. When you provide content, such as tips for real estate investors, marketing ideas, or even cookbook recipes, you are establishing your expertise. You're also giving people a good reason to stay on your list--they're getting good stuff out of it. In the past I have offered discounts on my services, gift certificates for people to give out over the holidays and articles with career counseling and goal-achieving tips. And every issue of Living the Dream also features my book and the stellar reviews it's received. You can see past issues by going to http://www.creativecoachingplans.com/newsletter.html.
5. Generate excitement and anticipation with your list.
When your book is nearing publication, you'll want to start letting your audience know that it's coming. You can generate pre-sale orders, alert your list of book reviews as they come out and let your audience know where you'll be appearing when you start speaking and doing book signings. My book was first listed on Amazon.com about six months before its publication date. I sent out a "special announcement" letting people know it was there and encouraging them to pre-order the book. On that glorious day my book ranked as high as 3,000 on Amazon's list! I may not be J.K. Rowling, but I think that's pretty good. Plus, that's the kind of information that helps distributors sell your book to bookstores. They know you already have an awesome audience just waiting to buy!
Rabu, 16 Maret 2011
Plant a Seed and Watch Your Business Grow
Do you have all the business you could possibly want or need? If you're like me, you're still growing your business. Marketing is an ongoing item on my agenda, and I'm always looking for new ways to market my services. Where do you begin the process of attracting more business? How do you get the ball rolling in the direction you want your business to be heading? Well, it's really simple. Start planting seeds! If you can start your garden growing this spring, why not start your business growing too?
You can start by telling everyone what you do, including those people in your life you see every day. Talk to your hairdresser, dentist, financial advisor, or babysitter. You just never know who they might know who may want or need your products or services. Leave business cards with those people, so they can hand them out to others who may be interested in contacting you. That old saying that includes the line "the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker" may just ring true after all.
Plant seeds everywhere you go. Typical ways to market your business are fine, but the best way is by simply using word-of-mouth. "Who do you know..." can be a very powerful statement when you are talking to others about what you do or what you sell. Let your presence be known. Be creative! I have a Team 100 list of the top professionals I know. When someone either in my professional circle or my personal circle is looking for a particular service, I'm able to refer them to someone I know and trust. All of the professionals on my list are able to refer me to those they know as well. It's a win/win situation. My name is on their list, their name is on mine, so the seed has been planted, and keeps growing
Can you increase business without putting more time in?
As business owners or managers we often find it difficult, even in the best of situations to get out and seek new business. You've probably thought that if you could just find a way to squeeze that into your day without spending more time away from your family or working weekends, you'd be all set, right? Guess what? You can and all that it's going to take is a little preparation.
1. Keep a box of business cards in your car. That way, you can always keep a stack of cards in your wallet or business card holder.
The next time you go out to eat, leave a card on the table when you leave.
Drop a business card in each bill you mail out.,/li>
When you're at the book store, slip your card into some of the books related to your industry. Be sure to put them near the middle of the book so they don't fall out when someone is casually flipping through.
Place a card rack full of your business cards on the counter of your dry cleaner. Most of them are more than happy to help out a good customer.
Give each friend a stack of your business cards to hand out.
2. Make a goal of meeting at least one new person each day. If you overhear someone mention your industry or a hobby of yours, make a point to introduce yourself. Start a conversation while you're waiting in line at the bank or the Office Depot. You may never see or even talk to these people again, but chances are good that you will
3. Never eat alone. You have to eat and so does everyone else, so why not use that time to catch up with friends and associates? There are a few benefits for both of you here.
You can keep in touch with people without taking a lot of time out of your work day.
By interacting with people that you enjoy being in the company of, your stress levels will go down.
Your name stays at the front of their minds - great for referrals!
4. Network in one non-work related organization. It can be anything - a baseball team, a church or charity, a community group - pretty much anything. The idea is to have the ability to network without the usual competition that you would face in a Chamber of Commerce or other business related organization. If you don't currently participate in something that's not related to work you should seriously consider it. It will help you create a balance between your work and your personal life while opening up a channel for new business.
"He Hate Me": Turning Their Bad Attitude Into Your Great Leadership Results
PERMISSION TO REPUBLISH: This article may be republished in newsletters and on web sites provided attribution is provided to the author, and it appears with the included copyright, resource box and live web site link. Email notice of intent to publish is appreciated but not required: mail to: brent@actionleadership.com
Word count: 1450
"He Hate Me" was the nickname of Rod Smart, a leading rusher in 2002 for the Las Vegas Outlaws of the now defunct XFL pro football league. Looking for an edge, the XFL allowed players to put nicknames on their uniforms.
"I was always saying, 'he hate me,' all through camp in Vegas," Smart said. "If I didn't get the ball, I'd talk to the other running backs and say, 'He hate me, man; this coach hate me.' I was always saying that."
Smart put He Hate Me on the back of his number 32 jersey, and now the name lives in lore, though XFL has been out of business for years.
When I first saw Rod Smart play and his "He Hate Me" jersey, I thought, "Forget about football. That's a leadership lesson!" That's because "He Hate Me" and leadership often go hand-in-hand.
Clearly, leadership is not about winning a popularity contest, it's about getting results -- not just average results but more results faster continually. To lead people to get the latter, you often must challenge them to do not want they want to do but what they don't want to do.
That's where "He Hate Me" comes in. When you move people from being comfortable getting average results to being uncomfortable doing what's needed to get great results, strong feelings, hatred and anger, are often triggered. Having people resent you, even hate you, comes with the territory of being a leader. In fact, if you are not getting a portion of the people you lead angry with you, you may not be challenging them enough.
This does not mean you consecrate their anger and let it fester. You absolutely must deal with it. After all, you can't motivate angry, resentful, "He Hate Me" people to be your cause leaders.
Here is my four-step process to help you deal with angry people you lead. (1) RECOGNIZE. (2) IDENTIFY. (3) VALIDATE. (4)TRANSLATE.
RECOGNIZE: Recognize that if you don't face up to the anger of the people you lead, that anger will eventually wind up stabbing you in the back.
Many leaders could care less about people's anger. They say in effect: "People should do what I tell them to do. Period. Their feelings are irrelevant." If 'my-way-or-the-highway' is your way of leading, don't engage in this process. I submit, however, that such leadership is far less effective than the leadership that motivates people to be your ardent cause leaders.
Making motivation happen involves first understanding if people are angry with you or not. Often, people won't tell you they are angry. They'll try hide it from you either out of embarrassment, trepidation, or wanting a sense of control.
Here are ways you can recognize that people are angry with you. The first is that you can see it on their faces or their body language. The second is that you can tell it in a drop off in their performance. The third is that you hear from other people they are angry. The fourth is they actually show you and tell you they are angry.
IDENTIFY: Identify the causes of their anger. This may not be as simple or as easy as you think. They may be angry, but they may not want to talk about why they are angry or even admit to you that they are. Don't back them in a corner. Don't make judgments. Don't get angry yourself. Get interested. Don't say, for instance, "You're angry ... " Instead, ask open-ended questions like, "Are you angry with me?" -- a question that seems on the surface only slightly different but that will make a big difference in the consequences of your interactions with them.
Once you and they have identified that they are angry, come to an agreement as to the actual reasons why. Drill through superficial reasons to the bedrock of why. They may say they are angry because you are giving them more work to do. But digging further, you may find out that they believe the supposed extra work will set them up for failure, and they might lose their jobs. So, they are really angry not simply for work-load reasons but for job security reasons.
VALIDATE: Validate their anger. Their anger is real and important to them. It's who they perceive themselves to be (at the moment they feel angry) in their relationship with you. Many people embrace their anger. They may see it as the one thing that they can control in an environment in which they feel out of control. If you try to ignore that anger or belittle it, they will feel you are belittling them.
Tell them that you know they are angry and that you want to find out why. Avoid saying things like, "I know you're angry ... but ... " That "but" can harden them against you. Saying, "Help me understand why you feel angry about what I'm doing." can get you farther than the "but." This is not to condone their anger nor approve of it but simply to come to an agreement with them that it exists and that you intend to do something about it in a way that will be mutually beneficial.
TRANSLATE: Their anger is your opportunity, an opportunity to translate their anger into your results. Because, as you'll see, their anger can be great raw material for results.
People get angry for many reasons. * Their time is being wasted. * Their individual worth is not respected. * They feel threatened. * Their efforts are not appreciated. 5. They are not given voice or choice in their work. * Their values are not recognized or given credence. * Their leaders cannot do their jobs well. * Their leaders focus on their own needs. * Their leaders don't understand and acknowledge their needs. * Their leaders don't provide clear direction. * They are being overworked. 11. They are being set up to fail.
Here is a process for translating their anger into your results.
I call it the problem/solution/action process. The key to this process is that people's anger usually stems from an unresolved problem. A. With their help, identify the problem. B. Come to an agreement with them as to the causes of that problem. C. Help them find a solution. D. Challenge them to take action to solve the problem. E. Link that action to increases in results.
You can apply this process to any of the aforementioned reasons people get angry. As an example, let's apply it to the first reason. Often, a key challenge in getting others to take new action is their complaining you are wasting their time.
A. Draw up two lists, one composed of the aspects of their job they believe waste their time, and the other of the aspects they feel are crucial.
B. Come to an agreement with them on which aspects are truly a waste of their time and which aren't. Without such agreement, they may remain angry with you. For instance, they may feel that their having to complete a particular report or aspects of that report wastes their time. If you think that such reports are absolutely essential, you cannot continue this process unless you convince them that the reports are essential or that you will change them to make them essential.
C. Once you come to that agreement, work on each aspect in the "waste of time" list by applying this analytical tool: Decide if you want to leave it alone, change it, or eliminate it. There is no fourth choice!
D. If you have chosen to change it, have them suggest actions they will take to do so. Note the sequence here. Your first step in changing an aspect is to elicit from them what needs to be changed and the actions required to affect the change. If need be, you can always veto their choice. But if you first let them make that choice, you may find that they have delineated actions that tap a new vein of results. At the very least, they will be committed to those actions, since they go right to the heart of solving the problem of their anger.
E. Link those actions to increases in results. For instance, now that they have reduced, eliminated or changed a particular aspect of their job that was a problem for them, how will that translate into money saved/earned?
Be advised: You may be confronted by "professionally angry" people who will be angry and stay angry no matter what you do. Just being you or just being a leader or just being you as a leader gets them angry, and nothing you can do or say seems to change that. But keep working the four-step process. It's your best way of remedying even the "professionals" anger.
